The RM Bailey Park vendors are out, which could only mean one thing: Valentine’s Day is coming. Either that or there’s a bomb scare on Robinson Road.
Over the next 48 hours you will see panic-stricken men running around town, dashing in and out of jewelry stores and spas for last-minute gifts for their wives, girlfriends and the most feared in the trifecta, sweethearts. (Play fool and don’t buy them something. They’ll show up on ya wife job quick).
Men in this town have it tough. Even when they’re broke, they feel the pressure to buy a gift that’s not only completely different from what they bought last year, but expensive enough to make the woman’s friends and hateful coworkers jealous. And as we all know, making hateful coworkers jealous ain’t easy, especially around here.
I feel sorry for the men because it’s just not fair. Very few women actually put the same effort into buying their men good gifts. It’s 2018! These men ain’t want no more ties or Fossil watches! They want a boat or a piece of property or something.
I love my Bahamian men and I’m tired of them being used and abused. That all ends today.
This Valentine’s Day, make it one she won’t forget. Dump her.
Today is Monday, so in order for this plan to work you have to start now. Actually, you should have started a few weeks ago, but since my column only comes out every other Monday, I wasn’t here to guide you. But, it’s not too late.
Now, you can listen to me and hold on to your money or you can play fool and be broke. The choice is yours. Now, the Rogan method requires great commitment and a touch of insanity. But, it’s worth it, so here it goes.
Firstly, put DMX’s Up in Here on at full blast and let the world’s angriest rapper gas you up. There’s something about a grown man barking that will make you feel invincible. So, sit in your car with your hoodie on, the air condition off and the windows rolled up and get to barking.
After you’ve been sufficiently filled with rage and suffering from a mild heat stroke, call her. Not on her cell phone. On her job. She’ll be in professional mode and won’t want to raise her voice. Remember, she can’t let her hateful, eavesdropping coworkers know that she is having relationship drama. But, be careful. If she works in construction or in an outdoor market of some sort, she won’t have a problem cussing you on her job.
When she answers immediately start screaming. She won’t see it coming. Tell her that a man named “Vado” called you on your job claiming that he is sleeping with her. Let the profanities flow. Cry in between screams. Every time she tries to get a word in, get louder and dirtier. By now, she’ll be picking up her cell phone to try and call you privately. Don’t let her. Just keep going. When you finally allow her to start talking, suck your teeth and hang up on her. Then, proceed to commit the ultimate hate crime: block her on WhatsApp. Every time she calls send her to voicemail.
Now, it’s time to create even more controversy. Change your WhatsApp profile picture to a simple quote that reads, “Never cry for the person who hurts you. Just smile and say, ‘thanks for giving me the chance to find someone better than you’.” It’s cryptic enough to cause family and friends to ask what’s going on. She’s blocked, so she won’t see it. But, trust that one of her friends who has your number will screenshot your profile picture and send it to her.
Next, head over to Facebook and delete photos of the two of you together. It’s the digital equivalent of cutting her face out of your photos. Before signing out, deliver the ultimate coup de grâce: change your relationship status to single.
Please know that if you go this route you must commit to being angry at her for a minimum of a month. Valentine’s Day would have long passed and she’ll be so focused on clearing her good name and getting back together that she’ll forget all about that David Yurman bracelet she wanted. In fact, you may get a bracelet.
With your money securely in the bank accruing minimal interest, you can now redirect your focus on getting your girl back. Show up on her job unannounced and ask to speak to her outside in the company’s parking lot. Do not offer to take her to lunch. The goal is to hold on to your money. Plus, you’re still mad at her for “cheating.” Now, if she’s treating, go and order the most expensive thing on the menu.
When you get her alone, say nothing for the first three minutes. Just stare her down to psych her out. Then, let a single tear flow and ask her why she cheated. At this point, she’s going to get loud and start carrying on about how she tried to explain that she didn’t cheat. That’s when you step to her and tell her to put some lower case letters in her words because she ain’t talking to you. Not after cheating with Vado! Suggest counseling and tell her it’s going to take some time for you to heal, but you’re willing to make it work.
Now, this seems like a hell of a lot to go through to avoid buying a Valentine’s Day gift. But, let me tell you something, it’s effective. When February 2019 rolls around and she starts dropping hints for a gift, get somber and softly mention that it was at this same time last year that you received the call that almost destroyed your relationship. That’s when you turn to her and make your demands.