I’m good and bad at hiding my emotions.
If I’m angry, you will know it. I stop talking. I disengage. I block. I put up walls. I won’t raise my voice, but you will hear everything I’m saying through my silence.
(The queen of shade, Naomi Campbell)
If I don’t like you, you will also know it. I will be polite but have very little interaction and I will eventually remove myself from your presence to prevent either of us from being uncomfortable.
But, when it comes to me being hurt, you won’t know. I will put on my happy face and thug it out. It’s not that I’m trying to hide what I’m going through.
Trust me, I’m no great pretender. It’s just that I don’t like burdening people with my drama and I certainly don’t like rehashing bad moments in my life. Especially when I’m trying to get over them. I’m like a wounded bird that retreats to the nest to die alone, albeit in my case, emotionally.
I like being strong and I like being there for others. It makes me feel good when friends call on me for advice or need a shoulder to cry on. Intrinsically, I am a problem solver and I love to help. But, from time-to-time, I need a shoulder to cry on. I need a listening ear to hear me vent. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I need someone to commiserate with.
But, I realize that the only way that’s going to happen is if I speak up and say, dammit, I’m not ok. I’ll admit, there’s a big part of me that expects the people who know and love me to sense when something is wrong. I don’t want to always have to tell them something’s off. I just naturally expect them to know. But, what I’ve got to keep remembering is that everyone is going through their own mess. They’re not ok and so it’s hard for them to sense when someone else’s life is off.
I wish more people were open about the fact that they are not in a good place. It’s not about being a chronic complainer. It’s about being human. I think many of us are losing that quality because we’re too busy trying to convince others and especially ourselves that we have it all together.
The fact is, we don’t.
The Need For Truth Serum
Sometimes, I wish everyone could accidentally ingest some truth serum and speak their truths. Here’s what I think we would hear:
I feel like a failure.
I’m holding it together with bubble gum, Band-Aid and tape. But, it’s falling apart.
I’m struggling emotionally.
I have no savings.
My car is about to get taken.
I’m about to lose my home.
I’m not attracted to my partner.
I don’t love her. I don’t love him.
I hate my job.
I want what they have.
I want out of this relationship.
I made a mistake.
I wish I didn’t have all of these kids.
Imagine going through these range of emotions and having no outlet or being afraid to share your thoughts and concerns because you don’t want to be judged. We fear what people will think of us.
The truth is, it’s ok to not be ok. We’re not perfect. We’re not always happy. We don’t always have our $hit together. Nor should we be expected to.
This is what I know. Even if you’re not where you are in life today, you can be there tomorrow. Because as Snoop Dogg says, “if you’re breathing you’re achieving.” What Señor Dogg is saying is that as long as you’re alive, there’s opportunity. Opportunity to change, to get what you want, to be who you want.
I leave you with one my favorite songs. It’s called, Smile Bit¢h. Now, one wouldn’t think I would use such an explicit song to lift my spirits. But, if you can just get past the profanity you’d see that there really is a positive message there.
So go ahead, fall apart. Pick yourself up. Enjoy this song and don’t forget to smile, bit¢h!