I came to a serious, yet sad realisation today. I have spent the vast majority of my life putting others first. Not just my adult life. My life. Whether it was family members, friends, or my job, I elevated others above myself constantly.
I have always been a very reflective person and during the quiet moments of my life, I take stock of where I am and where I want to be. And it’s during these pensive moments that I’ve realised that I need to commit to myself more.
Let’s start here. Over the past seven years, I have put on weight. I know, I know, who hasn’t? But, I’m talking about me. I, Rogan, have put on weight. Thirty pounds to be exact. While I am far from what people would call fat, I’m certainly overweight for my height – just shy of 5’5″.
Late last year, I went to the doctor for a cold that wouldn’t go away (no it wasn’t Covid-19). He ran some tests, did some bloodwork and came back with a prescription for some medicine. Turns out, I had a bronchial infection. He gave me a printout of the prescriptions and the results of my blood tests. Everything looked good. But, a few lines on the document caught me by surprise.
Not only did it say I was overweight, it said I needed to lose weight. Boom. No, like it literally said that. I was in no way offended. The doctor’s job isn’t to be politically correct. It’s to tell the truth. And the truth is, I was a fat ass.
The document then went on to offer suggestions on how I could get my fat ass to lose weight. I laughed the entire drive home. But, guess what? I did nothing about it.
I am one of those people who is very compliant when it comes to doctor’s orders. If they tell me to take all my medicine, I take it. If they tell me to return at a certain time, I return. But, when they told me to lose weight, I did nothing.
As a matter of fact, as I type this I am sipping on a sweet tea from McDonald’s. I ate the cheeseburger and fries already.
But, as I stare in the mirror looking back at the double chin I have had since I was a child, and I see my tummy getting rounder and pudgier to the point that I now wear baggier clothes (winter didn’t help), I know that I have to make a change.
I’m not going to detail what I plan to do. What’s the point? I’m just going to do it. I’m not doing it for anyone other than myself and I don’t need accountability partners. I just need to get my shit together. Point blank period.
I’ll Be Guarding My Mental Space More
Some of us are so careful about what areas we travel to or who we allow into our lives, but when it comes to the types of entertainment we ingest, we are not so careful.
I am a reality show girl. Ever since Flavor of Love debuted on VH1 in 2006, I have been hooked on these ratchet shows. I love being able to get a front row seat to people’s crazy antics. And the fact that they go on before a TV crew makes it even better. I don’t like drama, I just like to laugh. And that’s exactly what reality shows did. They made me laugh.
But, somewhere along the line, some of them started getting seriously toxic with bottles being thrown and women jumping up on tables (Evelyn Lozada I’m looking at you), and I got turned off.
Yet, every now and then, I peek at the shows. Like last night. I watched an episode of Basketball Wives. I immediately realised A: These women have not matured; B) I’ve outgrown this foolishness and C: I wasted an hour of my life.
I realise that I can be entertained without the toxicity. I rarely watch TV these days, but when I do, I find myself watching sitcoms from the 90s and early 2000s. They seem to be much more positive.
I’m also listening to positive podcasts that focus on spiritual growth or being your best self. Former celebrity blogger, Necole Kane is one of my faves. If ya’ll don’t know who she is, do your homework. This woman has been through the fire, to the limit and to the wall (in my Chaka Khan voice). Yet, she managed to come out on the other side. She is a huge inspiration for me.
A few weeks ago, I bought a morning and evening devotional book called, Walking with Jesus. It’s designed to give readers daily encouragement for life’s ups and downs.
I enjoy reading this book because it puts me in a great mental space and it also makes me feel like I’m reading little love notes from God.
Well, this morning seconds after I woke up, I reached for this book and my phone. I like to go on CNN first thing in the morning to see what’s going on in the world. I immediately heard God say, “is that the first thing you’re going to put in your mind or are you going to put my word in your mind?”
That stopped me dead in my tracks. I put my phone down and started reading my book. It was yet another reminder to literally get my mind right. And part of getting my mind right, is hearing God’s word first thing in the morning.
It may seem like a small thing, but it makes a big impact. I talk to God all the time, especially at night before going to bed and in my car. I plan to talk His ear off even more in the coming days, weeks and months.
Letting Go Of Bad Habits & Selfish People
I lead a very purposeful life. And I know that my time on Earth is not only precious, but very limited, which is why I have been very selective with who I spend my time with.
If I get one bad vibe, I’m out. I’m a virgo to the core, so I know just when something and someone is not good to me. It’s mostly because I overanalyse and overthink every situation.
And because I overanalyse everything, I spend a lot of time mulling over people’s temperaments and their overall vibe. If I sense that a person is going to hurt me, I run for the hills.
I have never had an issue disconnecting from someone who I deem to be selfish. I am selfless. Hence, the intro to this blog post. So, I have made a career out of putting people first. Being their biggest supporter. Their cheerleader. Their whatever-the-hell-they-need-from-me-go-to-person. Yup, all of that.
But, I have found that there are people who I’d go to the end of the Earth for who wouldn’t go to the next room for me. And for a long time, I ignored it. Kept on being supportive and doing whatever they need. In recent weeks, all of that stopped.
A part of committing to myself more means that I’ve got to let some people go. I’ll always love them, but I can’t and won’t allow myself to expend energy on individuals who are not equally as supportive.
We are only in the second month of 2021, but I remain optimistic of what this year has in store. And I know that better myself, my spirit and my mind will play a huge role in that.
XOXO,
This Bahamian Gyal
